This time of year is filled with tradition and
expectations of what we feel “should be” (the media is especially good at
portraying this). Reality usually does not match those expectations as each
year brings new experiences, wisdom, growth and changes in our families,
economic situation, and more. Yet how often do we “try” to keep things the
same or at least believe they should be the same, despite all the change?
Some sameness or tradition works, some does not.
Traditions are rituals or habits that have been passed
down from family and society. They may include the meals we eat and how we
eat them, gatherings we have, who we spend time with, and much more.
Traditions often feel like “musts”, yet we can choose which to adopt, which
to let go of and which to create.
When we have lost a loved one, this holiday time
stretches our already raw emotions even further. Even though we may have
begun to heal, it feels as if every emotion of grief comes flooding back
like no time has passed at all. We wish the holidays would take a hiatus
this year. Perhaps we can’t even imagine feeling joy and don’t want to be
reminded of it or surround ourselves by it, or maybe we feel angry that the
world is going on as if nothing has happened, nothing has changed. But it
has, we have.
That change can be resisted by wishing things were as
they used to be and “trying” to duplicate traditions to the letter OR that
change can be embraced by letting go of traditions - for now or possibly
creating new traditions - even if just for this holiday...
My story
The first holiday after my mother passed away was
especially difficult. Only 4 months after her passing, the pain was
intensified every time I saw evidence of the coming holidays in decorations,
cards, peoples conversations and plans, television commercials and more… My
mother, though not religious, loved the holidays. From the decorations to
the beautifully wrapped gifts she so carefully and excitedly chose for me
and my brother (this went on from our birth through our last Christmas
together when I was 30 years old!)
I believe the holidays represented a sort of magic to
her. That moment when seeing the delight, fun and joy we expressed as a
family meant so much to her. It was also something I treasured – her
expression of joy as she watched ours. That is what I remember most and even
11 years after her passing can still feel in my heart.
So that first Christmas without her was especially hard.
I wanted to cancel the holiday, to completely ignore it. I avoided the
stores so I would not be reminded, didn’t watch much TV to avoid the
commercials, did not buy gifts or send any cards. I was boycotting the
holiday. As it got closer I felt in my heart that this approach was making
me feel worse not better. Avoidance was not the answer for me. What I wanted
was to experience the warmth and joy that my mother had brought to this
holiday. I knew that this year I could be the one that brought the warmth
and love.
To do that, I decided to honor my mother by creating the
story of her life in words and pictures – things I had collected years
before for my family tree. I printed it and bound it and gave it as my gift
to my father and brother. This acknowledgement of her and what she meant to
all of us made it feel like she was still there in the room with us. That
moment brought us closer for that day. We were remembering the past
holidays, missing her, feeling her loss and absence but acknowledging and
accepting it at the same time.
In the years since, my husband and I have created our own
new traditions. One we truly enjoy brings that same essence of warmth and
joy. It is our Christmas night gathering of friends at our home where we get
together for singing, music, laughter and treats.
Thoughts for you
Think about what the holidays of the past, the traditions
of the past, truly meant to you. See if you can look past the tradition
itself and what it involved and go deeper to the true essence of
why you enjoyed it or took part in it. Was it the essence of the social
gatherings; feelings of warmth; comfort of familiar foods, time of giving;
celebrations of faith; or perhaps something else?
Now come to the present moment.
What do you want this holiday time to mean
for you?
Is there some essence of the past that you
would like to re-create in a different way?
Do you want this time to represent something
completely different from any you have had in the past?
Remember it can be any way you want it to be, for you,
for now. What is important is that your choices honor how you feel and what
you most need right now.
