Stefanie Zizzo, Career and Life Coach
This time of year is filled with tradition and
expectations of what we feel “should be” (the media is especially good
at portraying this). Reality usually does not match those expectations
as each year brings new experiences, wisdom, growth and changes in our
families, economic situation, and more. Yet how often do we “try” to
keep things the same or at least believe they should be the same,
despite all the change? Some sameness or tradition works, some does
not.
Traditions are rituals or habits that have been
passed down from family and society. They may include the meals we eat
and how we eat them, gatherings we have, who we spend time with, and
much more. Traditions often feel like “musts”, yet we can choose which
to adopt, which to let go of and which to create.
When we have lost a loved one, this holiday time
stretches our already raw emotions even further. Even though we may
have begun to heal, it feels as if every emotion of grief comes
flooding back like no time has passed at all. We wish the holidays
would take a hiatus this year. Perhaps we can’t even imagine feeling
joy and don’t want to be reminded of it or surround ourselves by it,
or maybe we feel angry that the world is going on as if nothing has
happened, nothing has changed. But it has, we have.
That change can be resisted by wishing things were
as they used to be and “trying” to duplicate traditions to the letter
OR that change can be embraced by letting go of traditions - for now
or possibly creating new traditions - even if just for this holiday...
My story
The first holiday after my mother passed away was
especially difficult. Only 4 months after her passing, the pain was
intensified every time I saw evidence of the coming holidays in
decorations, cards, peoples conversations and plans, television
commercials and more… My mother, though not religious, loved the
holidays. From the decorations to the beautifully wrapped gifts she so
carefully and excitedly chose for me and my brother (this went on from
our birth through our last Christmas together when I was 30 years
old!)
I believe the holidays represented a sort of magic
to her. That moment when seeing the delight, fun and joy we expressed
as a family meant so much to her. It was also something I treasured –
her expression of joy as she watched ours. That is what I remember
most and even 11 years after her passing can still feel in my heart.
So that first Christmas without her was especially
hard. I wanted to cancel the holiday, to completely ignore it. I
avoided the stores so I would not be reminded, didn’t watch much TV to
avoid the commercials, did not buy gifts or send any cards. I was
boycotting the holiday. As it got closer I felt in my heart that this
approach was making me feel worse not better. Avoidance was not the
answer for me. What I wanted was to experience the warmth and joy that
my mother had brought to this holiday. I knew that this year I could
be the one that brought the warmth and love.
To do that, I decided to honor my mother by
creating the story of her life in words and pictures – things I had
collected years before for my family tree. I printed it and bound it
and gave it as my gift to my father and brother. This acknowledgement
of her and what she meant to all of us made it feel like she was still
there in the room with us. That moment brought us closer for that day.
We were remembering the past holidays, missing her, feeling her loss
and absence but acknowledging and accepting it at the same time.
In the years since, my husband and I have created
our own new traditions. One we truly enjoy brings that same essence of
warmth and joy. It is our Christmas night gathering of friends at our
home where we get together for singing, music, laughter and treats.
Thoughts for you
Think about what the holidays of the past, the
traditions of the past, truly meant to you. See if you can look past
the tradition itself and what it involved and go deeper to the
true essence of why you enjoyed it or took part in it. Was it
the essence of the social gatherings; feelings of warmth; comfort of
familiar foods, time of giving; celebrations of faith; or perhaps
something else?
Now come to the present moment.
What do you want this holiday time to mean for
you?
Is there some essence of the past that you would like to
re-create in a different way?
Do you want this time to represent something completely
different from any you have had in the past?
Remember it can be any way you want it to be, for you, for now.
What is important is that your choices honor how you feel and what you
most need right now.
